Salam alayk. (this post can be private)

Lately I had been close to someone who I think, I should be close with her during the first moments in here, KMS. Our bond growing blossomy, we are now getting open in telling stories, making jokes and at the same time sharing advices together. Yes, sharing advices together. I admit that in the first place, telling my private roommates about what’s right and what’s wrong and console them to do better things instead of going something that can only fulfill their lust; were very difficult things to do.

Then, in the past few months, I was getting open-minded with them. Until at a certain point, in order to make them open-minded with me, I became someone else. At the first place, I think that I should be this person that characterizes in asking people to make a very good deed, as what Islam asks. However, I realized that this person was not me exactly.

WHY I SUDDENLY REALIZE THAT?

It was all of sudden. It seems that I tried to adapt myself with the normality and the lifestyles of my roommates until I forgot about who I should be. There was a junior who I really love to say hi to her, really love to talk to her, really love her style, because why? She is the mirror to me. Often, I see that the way she walks, talks, like and everything resembles me so much. Well, it was not me who said that only, but most of my friends said it too. There was a quote of her which I would like to mention her,

“I didn’t like my actions or thoughts been influenced by other people. If I want to do what I want, I will just. Example, if I want to play basketball, and then, I have no friends to go with, then, I will of course just go.”

I like it. It simply defines as who Ezzati Aida is. And that was the real me. But right now, seemed that I often need to sacrifice my need, my intention and even, sometimes, sacrifice my belongings. Of course, in Islam we call it INFAQ in contributing something to Allah’s path. However, I didn’t think it as infaq, it was just a sense of giving, and even it could be sympathy. Seriously, TRUE!!

Until at one point, I realize that my deeds were not really influencing. NOT SO MUCH!! Even, I almost try the most obvious things but then, they never see it. Only now, I want to reflect myself. Just be what I want to be. Just give people what you really want to give. Well, I think that I tried too hard, but then, I lost myself there. Astagfirullah. Prophet S.A.W. had once said to Abu Dzar, “Don’t go to rush, take it slowly (islam)”. Ok, that was soooo true. So, the question here, can I find myself back? Wasn’t it too late to change? And how about my roommates?

IDK.

Wallahu Ahlam. Salam alayk.